Decent Waste of Time

(Sam stands over Jay’s desk watching him work…rather than doing his own…it’s actually kinda strange he’s able to maintain a job considering he never works, buys ridiculously expensive things and doesn’t seem to have any marketable skills other than asinine bouts of creative insanity….well this has gone on far too long considering I was just establishing the setting.)

Sam: Man, I can’t help thinking how hot Jennifer Lawrence is.

Jay: Really? I was under the impression you were gay.

Sam: Why? I had a girlfriend!

Jay: I assumed she was like blind…or deaf…or maybe confused. Or possibly a hallucination I had from a bad acid trip.

Sam: You do drugs?

Jay: Anyway, you were saying about Jennifer Lawrence?

Sam: Oh yeah. I would wife that girl. Like immediately.

Jay: Yeah she’s super hot alright.

Sam: You don’t understand Jay, I would like tear that girl up. I would pound it like it was my day job.

Jay: That would probably be really unsatisfying for her considering you do close to nothing here.

Sam: What are you talking about. I do plenty of work.

Jay: You’ve literally stood behind me for the last hour.

Sam: Well you’ve just been on Facebook the whole time I was here.

Jay: This. *Points at the screen* Is a spreadsheet Sam.

Sam: Don’t try to legitimize your horseplay using fancy app names.

Jay: Again with the big words. Who the hell is teaching you them?

Sam: I have a word of the day calendar.

Jay: I find it harder to believe you can work a calendar.

Sam: I’ve broken several along the way. Mostly from losing them.

Jay: How’d you lose a calendar. In fact why would they even move from where you put them in the first place.

Sam: Well, duh so I can know what day it is no matter where I am.

Jay: Do you mean to say you walk around with a calendar?

Sam: Well I’ve stopped since I lost so many. Now I spend most days not knowing the date.

Jay: You have an iPhone, why  not just check the date on that?

Sam: It’s a phone Jay. You use it to call people on, not check the date.

Jay: You serious?

Sam: Of course.

Jay:  I need new friends..

(Saturday Afternoon - Jay’s couch)

Jay: Hey Sam, you ever get deja vu?

Sam: I’m not into bondage.

Jay: Really not sure how you made that logic jump…

Sam: Is that not some sort of Indian sex thing?

Jay: Fuck me.

Sam: I will do no such thing.

Jay: Stop being retarded.

Sam: Don’t get me wrong, I like you as a friend. Just not like “that”. Have you tried talking to Gary?

Jay: Okay, just stop right there. I am not in anyway conceivable trying to ask you to have sex with me.

Sam: Oh I get you. Jay. I will not do oral stuff on you either.

Jay: Oh my god, please shut the fuck up. I regret bringing this up at all.

Sam: Really Jay? Yelling and pessimism? Like that’s going to get you in my holes any faster.

Jay: Forget I said anything. You’re an idiot and this is getting kind of gross at this point.

Sam: Look who’s talking, you’re the one who wants to bang the gross guy. Not only that but don’t you think its a little homophobic to call gay sex gross?

Jay: 1. I can’t believe you can pronounce homophobic. 2. Deja vu has nothing! I repeat nothing, to do with sex!

Sam: Oh. Why didn’t you just say that.

Jay:…Yeah….”my” mistake.

Sam: You’re forgiven.

Jay: Wow, yeah thanks.

Sam: Hey Jay?

Jay: Mhmm?

Sam: You ever get that feeling like you’ve done something before, even though you haven’t?

Jay: I hate you so much right now.

Sam: It’s good to be back.

Jay: Back from where?

Sam: Oh I think “they” know.

Jay: Who’s they?

Sam: Never mind.

Jay: I think maybe we should have you talk to a psychiatrist.

Sam: Wouldn’t hurt.

(Endless white expanse)

Sam: Hey…I know this place.

Author: Why are you here?

Sam: No clue. Aren’t you the one writing this? Like shouldn’t you know?

Author: While it’s true that I’m the one who writes these stories, your personalities are your own. I simply establish them then let them run on free on paper.

Sam: Hmm, I don’t think that’s exactly right though. Like aren’t we more than that?

Author: What are you talking about?

Sam: Aren’t we sort of like expressions of yourself. Like I’d be your silly side, and maybe that’s why I don’t get complicated things, why I make mistakes a lot and do stupid stuff all the time.

Author: Your role is merely comedic relief and for heart tugging. What I mean is it’s more interesting and tragic when the funny guy suffers. You’re a means to an end.

Sam: Well excuse me Mr. God Complex author-guy. But that’s not very fun.

Author: It’s a story, it doesn’t have to be fun. It just has to exist.

Sam: That’s not true, what’s the point of a story that no one reads?

Author:…Maybe to establish a fact, a feeling I guess? Though I suppose if no one reads it, maybe it could just be for release. A creative outlet?

Sam: I don’t really know what that means. I sort of  thought you’d say there was no point. What I mean is; I think people like it better when I’m funny. Maybe they don’t want a complicated story with suffering and all that jazz. Maybe its enough to have little random sections of my life shown to them so they can have a laugh.

Author: Well sure, there’s a certain merit in making people laugh. It brings them joy.

Sam: Yeah, exactly. So why not. Let’s just keep it simple, let’s just make people laugh. Life is complicated enough, why not give them something uncomplicated to look forward too.

Author: *Laughs*

Sam: Holy shit, I just made god laugh.

Author: I’m not god. I just laughed because this all seems so out of your character.

Sam: I won’t lie, I’m literally running out of intelligence the longer we keep this up. So how about it. Can I go back to being the silly Sam? Full of misunderstandings and getting up to crazy shenanigans?

Author: Seems like a cheap blow to the readers, pretending like it never happened. Like a poorly written dream sequence, where everything goes back to normal.

Sam: Pfft. It’s a blog buddy, aren’t there only like five readers? They’ll get over it in like ten seconds. They’ll probably forget the whole serious arc once they refresh the page.

Author: Very well. Walk over to that wall.

*Sam walks over to the wall that has appeared from nowhere (get over it)*

Sam: Okay, now what?

Author: You see the button?

Sam: The one that says “recess”?

Author: It says “reset” but yes, obviously I mean the only damn button on the random wall.

Sam: Oh yeah, I see it now. It’s pretty shiny and red.

Author: Press it retard.

Sam: Jeez, now I see where Jay’s temper comes from. What happens when I do?

Author: Guess you’ll just have to find out.

Sam: Will it be funny?

Author: Meh, we’ll see.

Sam: Works for me.

*Sam presses the button*

                                         THE END…for now….or until I get bored and write again

(Sam’s hotel room, the window next to the bed spread open)
Sam: Goodbye little buddy. I think it’s time you’re free.
Waffleburner: *squawk* Spaghetti.
Sam: No little guy, I’m letting you go. You have to find your own food now.
Waffleburner: Why are you letting me go?
Sam: Oh so now you can talk?
Waffleburner: You know I can’t it’s just your guilt. Do you think it’s any coincidence I talk in the voice of the man you killed?
Sam: No I didn’t, I know it’s just my brain playing tricks on me.
Waffleburner: Is that why you pretend to be a fool. Is it easier to cope with things?
Sam: Yes. Well no, I am actually kind of dumb, but I suppose sometimes it really is just a show.
Waffleburner: Of course it is. If you pretend like you’re just some silly guy you never have to think about complicated things like being sad or guilty.
Sam: Yeah but it never lasts.
Waffleburner: Why did you rescue a parrot from a graveyard in the first place.
Sam: I don’t know. Part of me thought that maybe, just maybe Cecil had been reincarnated and this was my chance to make amends. Like it was a sign. But I think mostly you just looked so pitiful. You looked how I felt. And I wished someone had saved me so I took you in.
Waffleburner: Do you still believe I am Cecil, that I have his soul?
Sam: Not really. I think you’re a parrot and that I’m going crazy.
Waffleburner: You’re not as crazy as you might think.
Sam: What do you mean?
Waffleburner: What if I really was a piece of Cecil. What if your sorrow resurrected a piece of him as a parrot.
Sam: Sounds a little too much like a fairy tail to me, I don’t really believe in magic or stuff like that.
Waffleburner: Really? Is that why you followed my instructions concerning the chicken? The one to check if there were ghosts around you?
Sam: We all do stupid things, and I’ll admit I let my fear get the better of me. But I know now you are just a part of my subconscious.
Waffleburner: That’s right in a way. So tell me, do you think that by letting me go, you will also release yourself from guilt.
Sam: Yes. But also I think it doesn’t help my mental status to be talking to my parrot or myself via a parrot.
Waffleburner: Won’t you be lonely without me?
Sam: I’ve still got Jay and plenty of other people.
Waffleburner: And when they decide they have had enough of you? That your factor of amusement no longer out weighs your annoying tendencies?
Sam: Then I’ll find new friends and keep going, I just can’t live drowning myself in guilt anymore, I need to move on with my life.
Waffleburner: Then I guess you really don’t need me around to look after you anymore. Farewell Sam di Brenner. I will leave you with your new “guide” I’m sure your next adventure will be quite entertaining.
Sam: Wait, take care of me? New guide? What are you talking about?
*Waffleburner flies through the window*
Sam: Wait a second now I’m confused.
*Sams bedroom door opens*
Eemfrig: Maybe I can help explain.
Sam: Whats going on here.
Eemfrig: It’s time for a second chance Sam. Walk through that door.
Sam: What door?
Eemfrig: Are you fucking with me? The door of glowing light next to your bed there.
Sam: Oh damn, I thought that was coming from the lamp.
Eemfrig: Please don’t make me change my mind.
Sam: Where does it lead?
Eemfrig: A place you’ve been before. Your chance to make your own future.
Sam: Oh my god I love Dairy Queen.
*Sam walks through the Door of Light*
Eemfrig: God help us.
*Eemfrig disappears into a puff of smoke*

(Plush Valley, 7 hours later)

Sam: Are you kidding? Seven hours? It feels like I’ve been driving for two months.

Eemfrig: Haha, I get it, a hiatus joke eh?

Sam: Um, I think only I’m allowed to break the forth wall.

Eemfrig: Anyway we’re here now. Do you at least know the direction of the cemetery?

Sam: Not really, but I’m going to assume it’s next to that enormous church.

Eemfrig: Don’t try to be a smartass, you’re so much better at being a dumbass.

Sam: You’re pretty cranky for an artist.

Eemfrig: I’ve been driving around for a couple days with an idiot who won’t shut up and his pet.

Sam: I’m not an idiot.

Eemfrig: May I remind you the reason we are lost?

Sam: I wanted to take the scenic route?

Eemfrig: I didn’t realize the scenic route made six circles.

Sam: Well who’s the idiot now.

Eemfrig: Please stop talking, let’s visit the grave, and then you can drop me off by the train station where we bought the second map.

Sam: You don’t have to come if you don’t want you know.

Eemfrig: It’s a little late for that don’t you think? Plus, I feel like if I let you out of my sight you might actually die.

Sam: Aww you’re sweet, you care after all.

Eemfrig: About making back home, yes, very much so.

Sam: Oh. Well here we are, the Plush Valley Cemetery.

*Sam and Eemfrig walk around the Cemetery as the sun sets. Eemfrig begins doodling under a tree as Sam searches for the proper tombstone.*

Eemfrig: You’re taking a while there, it’s getting dark, did you forget the name or something?

Sam: No, I just can’t remember where it’s located.

Eemfrig: Well they are probably arranged by dates or family names. How long ago did he or she pass away?

Sam: He. Died five years ago.

Eemfrig: So the ones you’re standing next to are from 2008, so walk backwards for a bit.

*Sam stops in front of a tombstone, he places Waffleburner’s cage on the ground and replaces the flowers as Eemfrig walks over*

Sam: I’m sorry Sir.

Eemfrig: Are you ok? Why are you telling him sorry?

Sam: It’s my fault he died.

Eemfrig: I’m sure it’s not, who is he?

Sam: *Sam points at the tombstone*

Eemfrig: “Here lies Cecil Schmidt,

              Beloved Husband,

              Devoted Friend,

             Loving Father of four.”

Sam: He lost his life because I was careless.

Eemfrig: His name sounds familiar.

Sam: You might have read about it in the paper. He died during a bank robbery.

Eemfrig: Was he shot?

Sam: No, he was robbing the bank and he tripped.

Eemfrig: You can’t blame yourself for that.

Sam: It was my coffee he tripped on. I hear his voice all the time, whenever Waffleburner speaks to me, I hear it.

Eemfrig: Sam, he was doing a terrible thing, it was an accident right. It wasn’t your fault. If anything, you should feel proud, you probably saved other peoples lives.

Sam: Proud!? That someones husband died because of me? Someone’s friend? You know why he was robbing that bank? He lost his job at the place I work at now. He was out of options, he was just trying to feed his kids.

Eemfrig: People always have a choice. You don’t have to punish yourself for his.

Sam: I’m done talking about this. I’m going back to the car, if you want a ride to the station, you should come now.

Eemfrig: Maybe we should just stay in town tonight, you’re not in a good mindset and its gotten pretty dark, you don’t know your way around here.

Sam: I’ll be fine.

Eemfrig: No you’re not! Let’s stay the night.

Sam: Please stop trying to seduce me.

Eemfrig: Wow, even when you’re being a jackass you’re still retarded. Just please do this for me. I helped you get here, can’t you do me this favour?

Sam: Fine.

*Eemfrig and Sam check into separate rooms at a Motel*

Eemfrig: I’ll come knock and wake you up in the morning ok?

Sam: That’s fine.

Eemfrig: Maybe we can have breakfast in the cafeteria. How about waffles?

Sam: I hate waffles.

Eemfrig: Then why’d you name you’re bird that?

Sam: “Waffleburner”, I had waffles for breakfast the day of the accident at the bank.

Eemfrig: Oh, I’m sorry.

Sam: Goodnight.

Eemfrig: Yeah, goodnight.

(Sam and Eemfrig drive towards Plush Valley)

Sam: That’s a stupid title.

Eemfrig: What did you say?

Sam: Nevermind.

Waffleburner: Stupid! *Squawk*

Eemfrig: Your parrot is weird as fuck.

Sam: I did not know women swore.

Eemfrig: Of course women swear dingus.

Sam: What’s a dingus?

Eemfrig: I don’t know. But you’re probably one.

Sam: I’m not sure if that’s a fair assumption.

Eemfrig: I wouldn’t worry about it much. So do you recognize anything yet?

Sam: It all looks the same. Tree, cow, another tree, bush, another cow.

Eemfrig: Yeah the countryside is a little bland, but it’s peaceful, so it makes for a good place to paint.

Sam: That makes sense. By the way, thank you for coming with me, you didn’t have to.

Eemfrig: Actually I basically did.

Sam: Is it because you were worried I might never make it where I was going without your help?

Eemfrig: Well I did kinda get the feeling I’d next hear about you being dead in a ditch on the radio if I didn’t. But mostly its because you ran over my goddamn bike.

Sam: Oh yea, sorry about that I promise I’ll pay for it.

Eemfrig: It’s okay it was pretty old. I’m honestly more impressed you managed to crash a vehicle that had no gas.

Sam: I am pretty amazing. Does that mean I don’t have to pay you back.

Eemfrig: Not a goddamn chance.

Sam: Okay I see an intersection coming up, says Timpine Road, do I turn or go straight?

Eemfrig: Turn left.

Sam: Ok.

Eemfrig:….um, what the fuck?

Sam: What?

Eemfrig: Why the hell did you go right?

Sam: I panicked.

Eemfrig: How? All you had to do was turn.

Sam: But you said it all of a sudden.

Eemfrig: You asked me like five minutes ago and then again not fifteen seconds before. In what goddamn way did you feel rushed?

Sam: Okay, well there’s no need to yell.

Eemfrig: You know, I think you might still end up in a ditch.

Sam: Please don’t kill me.

Waffleburner: *SQUAWK* Kill him!

Eemfrig: The bird makes a valid point.

Sam: Bad Waffleburner. Don’t encourage violence.

Waffleburner: *SQUAWK* Jackass!

Sam: He’s not normally this rude, I think he’s trying to show off to you.

Eemfrig: I might keep the bird after I dump your body.

Sam: *clears throat* So….how do I get back to that intersection.

Eemfrig: Hmm, I’m not sure I wasn’t paying attention for a bit there, slow down so I can get a bearing.

Sam: Oh, I’ll pull over to that little park over there.

Eemfrig: Okay, I could do with stretching my legs.

(Sam and Eemfrig rest at the park)

Eemfrig: This is wild I didn’t know there was a beach around here.

Sam: Oh now the title makes sense!

Eemfrig: Huh?

Sam: Nothing. I have to take a leak. Be back in a second.

Eemfrig: That’s fine, I’m going to go down to the beach for a bit.

Sam: Do me a favour and let Waffleburner out for a bit.

Eemfrig: Um..ok, but aren’t your afraid he’ll fly away?

Sam: Nah, he’ll just stretch his wings. It’s been a long trip. Plus he’s unlikely to find anyone else who will support his coke and spaghetti habit.

Eemfrig: Okay. I’m gonna just go ahead and open the cage.

(Five minutes or so….honestly who gives a fuck. Some time passed is my point. I doubt he sat there and peed for five minutes straight.)

Sam: Hey, what you doing?

Eemfrig: I found a cool shell so I’m sketching it.

Sam: That’s pretty cool, I thought you could only draw squiggles.

Eemfrig: I like squiggles, I can draw other stuff.

Sam: Where’s Waffle?

Eemfrig: He circled the car a couple times then went inside it.

Sam: Okay, well we should probably figure out where we are.

Eemfrig: Oh yeah, I got caught up playing with shells.

Sam: *Laughs* Where’d you put the map?

Eemfrig: I left it in the car.

Sam: Oh god.

Eemfrig: What?

Sam: Did you happen to leave it in the front seat?

Eemfrig: Yeah. So?

Sam: Well I can tell from this distance that he’s just about finished eating it…

Eemfrig: Are you serious?

Sam: Yeah, he has a eating disorder, he was probably nervous being in a new environment.

Eemfrig: You know what, part of me is completely unsurprised.

Sam: So what now?

Eemfrig: I’ll try my phone. Wait a second.

Sam: Any luck?

Eemfrig: Yup, I know where we are.

Sam: Where?

Eemfrig: Completely fucking lost!

(An apple tree along the road with a painter underneath)

Sam: Hello.

Painter: Bonjour.

Sam: Oh are you French?

Painter: What? Just because I’m painting under a tree I automatically have to be French? Isn’t that a little racist?

Sam: Umm…it was more because you spoke French.

Painter: Well this is a free country I can speak French if I want to.

Sam: Sorry I wasn’t trying to offend you miss….?

Painter: The names Eemfrig.

Sam: Well nice to meet you Eemfrig, my name is Sam. And this little guy is Waffleburner.

Eemfrig: Why do you have a parrot with you?

Sam: I keep him around for company, I’m on a little road trip right now.

Eemfrig: Hmm that’s a little pathetic.

Sam: Okay harsh, but understandable.

Eemfrig: Sorry I get cranky when I don’t eat. How does this look to you?

Sam: It looks like you’re painting.

Eemfrig: No I mean the painting itself.

Sam: Oh well it’s very pretty.

Eemfrig: Can you tell what it is.

Sam: Umm squiggles? Are they supposed to be clouds?

Eemfrig: Nope just squiggles. Well except this part is an eye with wings.

Sam: Oh that makes sense.

Eemfrig: Really now. How does that make sense?

Sam: Well isn’t it like a metaphor for a mask? Like someone hiding who they are?

Eemfrig: I think you’re looking at it a little to deeply but I appreciate the compliment.

Sam: Thanks…or I mean your welcome. Wait what?

Eemfrig: Never mind. So what are you doing out here besides stalking artists.

Sam: Driving.

Eemfrig: No I mean like where are you going.

Sam: Oh. To a place.

Eemfrig: No shit? A place eh?

Sam: Yup.

Eemfrig: You’re not the sharpest tack are you?

Sam: *sigh* I’m not a tack. I live in the city.

Eemfrig: What? Do you even know what a tack is?

Sam: Ya. Like those southern people with the guns and the hats and the trailer parks.

Eemfrig: That’s a hick.

Sam: The little animal that drinks your blood?

Eemfrig: That’s a tick.

Sam: Wait so what did you call me at first?

Eemfrig: A tack. Sam: I don’t see the difference.

Eemfrig: Are you kidding? They are two completely different things.

Sam: Whatever you say.

Eemfrig: Ok, let’s come back to that later.

Sam: Don’t know what there is to come back to.

Eemfrig: Anyway. What’s this place you are going to.

Sam: Oh it’s a cemetery in Plush Valley.

Eemfrig: Oh I’m sorry. Someone you knew?

Sam: Do people normally go to cemeteries to visit people they didn’t?

Eemfrig: *laughs* Good point. I guess not.

Sam: Yup. Only thing is I’m sort of lost.

Eemfrig: Oh where is it exactly?

Sam: Well I’m pretty sure it’s not an apple tree.

Eemfrig: Imagine that.

Sam: I wrote down the address on a piece of paper but I lost it.

Eemfrig: Didn’t write it down anywhere else?

Sam: Well I put it in my phone but the battery died. But I did circle it on my travel map. But I can’t read it.

Eemfrig: Oh well let me take a look at it.

Sam: No I cant read it because I lost the map.

Eemfrig: Let me guess that’s also where you wrote the address.

Sam: Oh my gosh. Are you psychic?

Eemfrig: Yup. All artists are.

Sam: I never knew…um. I don’t know if you noticed but my parrot is eating your picture.

Eemfrig: Get away from there!

Sam: I think he thinks it’s spaghetti.

Eemfrig: What? Birds don’t eat spaghetti do they?

Sam: Well he does.

Eemfrig: I guess I’ll let him finish, I wasn’t feeling it anyway. So how are you gonna make it to the cemetery?

Sam: I suppose I’ll just ask the locals, the towns not that big.

Eemfrig: Oh you’ve been before?

Sam: No but it looked tiny on the map.

Eemfrig: I see. Where’d you say you were heading?

Sam: Plush Valley.

Eemfrig: Yeah that’s what I thought. You passed it about 6-7 miles back.

Sam: Oh. *Sam sits on grass and waits*

Eemfrig: What are you doing?

Sam: Waiting.

Eemfrig: For what?

Sam: My car to recharge. It won’t move anymore.

Eemfrig: It’s probably out of gas.

Sam: Oh I thought you only had to fill it once.

Eemfrig: *sighs* I’ll call you a tow.

(A highway diner)
*Sam sits down for a meal at the lunch bar*

Sam: Hello? Does anyone work here?….or eat here for that matter?
Barman: One sec. Just putting out a fire.
Sam: Like an actual fire or are you just being clever.
Barman: Do you see smoke?
Sam: Not really.
Barman: Well there’s your answer. Not that it would be such a terrible thing for this place to burn down.
Sam: Alrighty then..so does this place have a menu.
Barman: Nope. Everything we serve is on the chalk board behind me.
Sam: There’s nothing on that board though, except a drawing of a penis….is this like a gay bar?
Barman: Nope. Just couldn’t be bothered to write it out after some teens erased it.
Sam: So why didn’t you at least erase the dick picture.
Barman: I’m a chef not a custodian. Plus who am I to say what’s art or not.
Sam: Umm. Well that aside. What do you serve here?
Barman: Food and drinks mostly.
Sam: Do you make hamburgers?
Barman: Nope.
Sam: What about cheeseburgers?
Barman: Ain’t got any cheese.
Sam: Sandwiches?
Barman: Don’t have any bread.
Sam: Umm what about those little things with chicken and sauce between tortillas?
Barman: What’s a tortilla?
Sam: It’s like a sad taco.
Barman: We don’t have tacos.
Sam: No its like a taco but like its softish.
Barman: We don’t make soft tacos.
Waffleburner: Waffleburner want a taco!
Barman: What’s up with the parrot with you? Also tell him we don’t have tacos.
Sam: His name is Waffleburner, he’s my traveling companion. My names Sam by the way.
Barman:…that’s weird.
Sam: Yeah. A little I guess. So…your name is?
Barman: Branch.
Sam: Pardon?
Branch: My name is Branch.
Sam: Is that like a nickname?
Branch: No.
Sam:…so there’s like no back story or anything to that? Like maybe your parents liked trees or a funny story?
Branch: Hmm, never bothered to ask.
Sam: Really?
Branch: Nope. It’s probably a common name.
Sam: Um…maybe.
Branch: Wait a second, did you mean quesadillas?
Sam: Yeah that’s them. Can I have two orders of that?
Branch: Yeah we don’t have those either.
Waffleburner: *squawk* Asshole *squawk*
Sam: Behave Waffleburner! Sorry about that.
Branch: Its ok, it’s a fair assessment. So you gonna order anything because we close at like 3.
Sam: It’s 12:30…and I’ve been trying to order.
Branch: Oh ok. What would you like.
Sam: Jeez just bring me your favorite dish.
Branch: I don’t like any of the food here.
Sam: Aren’t you the chef?
Branch: Ya.
Sam: So how can you not like the cooking?
Branch: My cooking is terrible.
Sam: I see. I’ll just have two cokes.
Branch: Sure. You want ice?
Sam: No thanks.
Branch: Two glasses?
Sam: One is fine.
Branch: We actually don’t have any.
Sam: What were you gonna put the ice in?
Branch: A bowl. I didn’t ask if you wanted it in your drink I just asked if you wanted ice.
Sam: Wow ok. I’ll just take the can then.
Branch: Bottle ok?
Sam:………I don’t suppose you’d know where the next closest restaurant is?
Branch: Nope.
Sam: Are those Doritos on the counter for sale?
Branch: Yup.
Sam: I’ll take those and the cokes.

*Sam finishes his meal and prepares to leave*

Branch: That’ll be four dollars.
Sam: Sorry. We don’t have any.

*Sam leaves*

Branch: Well that was kinda of irritating.

(Elle’s loft)

Jay: So thats basically the story. After that Rob was so grateful he got Sam a job at Avant Tech. I warmed up to him with time and we sort of became friends.

Elle: Wow it’s really hard to believe his stupidity could ever serve any sort of benefit to anyone.

Jay: Haha, you’d be surprised, we put him in the return department for a while and I can tell you one thing, we had a fuckload less returns that month.

Elle: Yeah, I can’t imagine anyone dealing with him for an extended amount of time in a professional manner.

Jay: People threw stuff on occasion. Anyway, I’m gonna get going, I’m supposed to go see him. He leaves tomorrow for his “vacation” so he’s treating me to dinner.

Elle: Ok, find out where he’s going and have fun, I’ll see you later. *Jay leaves* (Sam’s apartment)

Jay: Hey Sam, what’s wrong with your parrot? He looks a little sickly.

Sam: I’m not sure I’ve been feeding him regularly, but he hasn’t been up to much lately. Where did I put my wallet?

Jay: I don’t know but hurry up I wanna get a decent table. Maybe he needs new water this one is like fucking black bro!

Sam: Duh, it’s not water it’s coke.

Jay: For fucks sake why would you give a parrot coke?

Sam: Because he likes it. He has a strict diet of coke and marshmallows. He’s a part of the family so I let him eat what I eat.

Jay: Okay, let’s skip the question of how you’ve managed to live on coke and marshmallows this long, but I’m going to let you know that parrots do not do so well on that type of diet. *Squawking noise*

Sam: You’re crazy he’s saying he likes it.

Jay: Buddy, I think that was a death rattle. I feel for you little guy. We’ll pick you up some bird seed on the way back, for now at least let me change your water.

Sam: I don’t like seeds though.

Jay: I was talking to Waffleburner.

Sam: Aww you remember his name.

Jay: How could I forget, 80 percent of what he says is his name. Now please get in the car before I strike you.

Sam: Fine. By the way, do you think the title has anything to do with the fact we’ve done nothing for the past three weeks.

Jay: I don’t know what you’re talking about but I’m sure it’s stupid. Sam: Most likely. Where we going by the way?

Jay: Roland’s Grill.

Sam: I don’t know a Roland but I like grilled things.

Jay: You’re an idiot.

(At Roland’s Grill)

Jay: We finally got seats after 30 minutes. Well at least we know it has to be good food.

Sam: I wonder if they have crayons here.

Jay: I’m gonna go with no. Thanks for treating me though that’s unusual and nice of you.

Sam: About that, remember how I was looking for my wallet before we got distracted?

Jay: Oh yeah. Where was it?

Sam: Completely forgot about it…

Jay: Christ almighty I hate you sometimes.

Sam: Hey don’t forget, I saved your life.

Jay: I want a damn refund!

(At Elle’s loft)

Elle: So…go on then. Tell me the story.
Jay: Well it was a pretty normal day, I was working Avant Tech and my boss - Rob Jones - decided we would go out to lunch

together because my sales had been up. He said we needed to stop by the bank first because he had to drop off a check.

(5 years ago)

Jay: Wow, I’m thinking maybe we shouldn’t have come today to do this.
Rob: Yeah, my bad, I forgot it was the first of the month.
Jay: It’s no big deal, if I’m late I with the guy I’d have to explain it to.
Rob: Touche.
Jay: I’m gonna go ahead and pretend you didn’t say that.
Rob: You’re awfully outspoken in front of the guy who writes your paycheck.
Jay: I like to think about it like I’m maintaining the company image.
Rob: Annnd you’re done.
Jay: Too far?
Rob: A little.
Jay: Fair enough. What the heck is all the commotion at the front?
Rob: Looks like some guy brought an actual piggy bank to deposit pennies.
Jay: Are you serious?
Rob: Yeah, he’s counting them at the register.
Jay: He’s gotta be retarded or something. He just knocked down his cup of coffee with his elbow.
Rob: Yeah, he looks special.
Masked Man: No one make one fucking move!
Jay: Holy shit, that guy has a gun.
Rob: Oh my god. Its a frigging robbery.
Masked Man: Everyone shut up and get on the ground.

*Everyone gets on the ground*

Jay: Oh god, I think I recognize his voice Rob.
Rob: What? For real?
Masked Man: Well well well. Look what we have here?

*Masked man approaches Rob and Jay*

Masked Man: Do you remember me Rob? Oh and look, the intern has grown up all spiffy and shit.
Rob: Who are you?
Masked Man: Oh sorry, you probably can’t tell with this mask on. It’s me Cecil Schmidt.
Jay: From IT?
Cecil: Shut it intern!
Jay: I’m actually a salesman now.
Cecil: Are you being fucking serious right now, maybe you haven’t noticed but I have a AK-47 in my hand. It may not be in your

interest to be so witty.
Rob: What do you want Cecil, why are you doing this?
Cecil: What do I want? I came into a bank with a mask and a gun, obviously I’m here to fucking rob the place. I just

happened to get the added bonus of cooking the ass who fired me.
Rob: Look Cecil, I’m sorry but I had to do it.
Cecil: Bullshit, you never liked me from the start.
Jay: Nah bro…we..totally liked you.
Cecil:….
Jay: Not buying it?
Cecil: What do you think?

*Cecil presses the barrel into Jay’s forehead*

Cecil: Now, everyone empty your goddamn pockets on the ground or I’m gonna waste this smart ass.
Jay: Um…if everyone could go ahead and do that, it would be awesome. I’m not really in the mood to be sprayed on the

floor.

(From the counter)

Sam: Son of a gun, I lost count.
Cecil: Hey you, the guy at the fucking counter. What the hell do you think you’re doing?
Sam: Wow you must be retarded, obviously I’m counting pennies.
Cecil: Why the fuck are you not on the ground, do you not see my gun?
Sam: Mr. Porkington is a high class piggy bank, he doesn’t wallow on the ground. Also it would be harder to count down

there.
Cecil: You’ve gotta be kidding me man. Get the fuck down on the ground right now before I put you down.
Sam: Listen guy, I waited in the line like everyone else, let me finish depositing the contents of Mr. Porkington and then

I’ll play your game OK?
Cecil: You’re fucked in the head buddy. I’m gonna make an example out of you.

*Cecil storms up to Sam with his gun pointed at him*

Sam: Hey watch it! Hey everyone this guy is trying to steal my pennies!
Jay: Oh my god you idiot. Would you just get on the ground!
Sam: Why is everyone so obsessed with the ground.
Cecil: Look at me you son of a bitch.

*Cecil knocks Mr. Porkington onto the ground where he shatters*

Sam: MR. PORKINGTON!!! YOU BASTARD!

*Sam pushes Cecil who slips on the spilled coffee and falls backward*

Sam: Yikes. Sorry there buddy, but you shouldn’t break things that belong to you.
Cecil: (Silence)
Sam: Hello? Buddy? Are you OK?
Jay: Holy shit, I think he’s unconscious.

*The security officer Thom rushes to where Cecil is on the floor with his gun pointed, looks at him, shakes his head then stares at Sam*

Thom: Oh wow, this guy is dead, cracked his head clean open when he fell looks like.
Sam: How terrible. It is going to take me ages to pick up all these pennies!

[To be continued]

*Jay calls Sam*

Jay: Hey what you up to man?
Sam: You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
Jay: When it concerns you there isn’t much left to surprise me so spill.
Sam: My landlord is being a jackass, he won’t let me keep my pet hippo.
Jay: I thought you had a rude parrot?
Sam: Waffleburner is still around, but Mr. Tubbles is only a couple of weeks old but he says I have to get rid of him.
Jay: Why the hell is that parrot named Waffleburner and where the fuck did you get a hippo?
Sam: Because he eats waffles. And from eBay.
Jay: Ok first off, you’re an idiot with your reasoning and secondly I don’t even know how to respond to this hippo situation.
Sam: Ya the guy is totally out of line. Anyway, I’m gonna have a meeting with the landlord now, I made him some cookies so hopefully that pans out.
Jay: Good luck with that. I’ll check you later.

*Jay hangs up*

(Later at Elle’s loft)

Elle: Hey what’s up, you’re being sort of quiet?
Jay: I’m just wondering how Sam got a hippo off the internet.
Elle: That’s ridiculous. That guy has some strange tastes.
Jay: Oh he’s a real fucking oddball alright.
Elle: Something I’ve wondered for a while, you put up with a lot of stuff from him and no offense he’s borderline retarded; how did you guys know each other?
Jay: Funny story, he’s an idiot but he sort of saved my life.
Elle: Oh I have to hear this story!

(To be continued)

(At Jay’s Aparment)

Sam: Yay!
Jay: What the fuck are you so excited about?
Sam: It’s Valentines Day!
Jay: Why would you be happy about that? Didn’t you and Lisa break up a couple weeks ago?
Sam: Yes we did.
Jay: What was that all about anyway?
Sam: I think I left the stove on or something. But enough about that!
Jay: Alrighty then, what’s got you bouncing off the walls.
Sam: Candy!
Jay: I meant figuratively, not literally.
Sam: Its both actually. I love Valentines day, there’s so much chocolate in stores, its like an all you can eat candy buffet.
Jay: Are you sure you’re an adult.
Sam: Most days.
Jay: Well I guess its better than you moping around.
Sam: Why would I be moping?
Jay: Because you just went through a break up.
Sam: Why would that make me want to clean floors? Especially since we’re in your apartment.
Jay: Moping, not mopping you jackass.
Sam: I don’t get it.
Jay: I hate you so much. Its like being depressed and shit man.
Sam: Ohhhhhh. Do people do that after a break up?
Jay: Well there’s usually some emotions involved yeah. I mean, if I were you, I’d probably be destroyed, because the chance of you finding another woman who will tolerate you for more than ten minutes much less sleep with you is probably nill.
Sam: Hey! Are you saying I’m unattractive?
Jay: I think it’s more the fact that you are like the definition of irritating.
Sam: Well you’re just a sourpuss.
Jay: Yup there it is.
Sam: So are you gonna come to Walmart with me?
Jay: No, Elle is coming over later.
Sam: Oh, do you guys have some sexy special event set up for Valentines. Eh? Wink wink. You know. Make with the sexy times. Wink wink.
Jay: Stop saying “wink wink” out loud.
Sam: Fine.
Jay: And no, because for one thing, and I was hoping you’d figure this out before the conversation was done, but it’s not Valentines Day.
Sam: Wait what?
Jay: Yeah bro, its the 19th. It was like a week ago….
Sam: Oh my god, why didn’t anyone tell me!?
Jay: We figured you could handle that much on your own.
Sam: Well clearly you were fucking wrong!
Jay: Whoa. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you curse before.
Sam: This is bullshit. I’m out.
Jay: Um..ok. Are you all right?
Sam: Yeah, I’m fine. Just kind of pissed off.
Jay: About the candy? You know you can buy it year round right?
Sam: Not the point. Anyway, I forgot to tell you. I’m going on a little road trip, taking some time off.
Jay: How are you going on a road trip you don’t have a car.
Sam: I’m gonna rent one.
Jay: Wow, I was not expecting any sort of logical answer to that.
Sam: See ya.
Jay: Bye

*Sam leaves*

Jay: Hmmm, well that was fucking weird.